Brain Boggler

People boggle my mind. My thoughts are jumbled and confused. My reality got stuffed into a blender and then poured back into my brain, making a big, confusing mess!

The problem with being a girl, is that I think with my emotions. It's true. Girls, you know exactly what I'm talking about! I know, you guys are probably thinking, "No way! I have never met an emotional female! All the girls I know are calm, realistic, and never run on emotions or have a single mood-swing!". But, no, it's true. I know we females hide it so very well, but I must admit, that we are emotional! And in this case, I am not talking about crying, or being sad. I am talking about having flip-flopping feelings. Which of course, my feelings on a situation are different today than yesterday, the problem lies in decision making. When I, as a female, act impulsively. Which I do not want to stereo-type this, but it's true, women just act impulsively based on present emotion, and most men I know do not! So although I usually resent stereo-types, in this case it is true. A situation was brought to the fore-front of my attention yesterday, and when I realized it, I was so angry!!! But today, my feelings have calmed down a lot. I am frustrated, but my feelings are turning into independence and a look at the possibility of cutting off the source of my emotional stress. I am just so thankful that this time, I have NOT acted on any of the emotions that have been buzzing through my confused brain! Which in the past, with this same person that is currently causing me grief, I have acted impulsively twice. One time it was okay, and the other time......not so okay, actually. But that's a different story that will not be shared on this blog! But, my issue: oh, so difficult. I have a friend that is hardly being a friend at all. And I am confused! We saw each other last Monday, and it's been over a week, and still no word! I was told by this person that we would be emailing as we had before we saw each other, but no contact has been made, and because of complicated reasons, I cannot email this person, but must first be emailed, then may respond! Ugh! Why am I even putting this on here? Well, I'm not sure. But I am venting, so just nod your head and smile, if you are confused! How could you not be? I am confused! All my other school friends have called, texted, emailed, talked online, anything! This person is one of my very best friends, but lately has not been acting like a friend at all. Makes me wonder how close we actually were. If out of sight means out of mind, how close could we actually be? Even before we saw each other last Monday, the emails were few and far between, and it'd been 5 weeks since we'd seen each other. So is it distraction? Or does this person not care as much when I am not around? Or, is there something/someone keeping this person's attention occupied? Some of you may think I am over-reacting, that I am reading into things. But were I not choosing to remain aloof about this, you would understand, furthermore, you would agree and be cheering me on should I decide to send hate-mail or egg this person's house! Which as of right now I am not planning on doing, but you never know! This person has aggravated me by, how do I put this, irresponsible?, selfish?, immature?, hm, maybe just stupid behavior, and I get upset of course, but then there are apologies, and I can't help but forgive, because as I said above, this person is one of my very closest friends, and I deeply care for this one! I just can't stay mad! I would much rather pretend nothing is wrong than start a fight, but sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Wow, if this makes no sense, I am sorry, it's just because I am thinking out loud, rather thinking onto my blog! Writing helps me sort through things. But I don't think I am any less confused. The issue is still in existence, and I still have no idea how I really feel about it, what I am going to do, or what the long-term results of this decision may be. Oh, it's so complicated!!

Man, I wish there were a Relationships-for-Dummies 101!!!

The Poet's Mind

I am not a man-hater....I just think this is funny!!!

Vex not thou the poet's mind with thy shallow wit
For thou canst not fathom it
Clear and bright it should be ever Flowing like a crystal river
Clear as light And bright as day
-excerpt from "The Poet's Mind" by Lord Alfred Lloyd Tennyson

I have fallen in love all over again! A love that I had long abandoned by necessity while at college! A strong love, that caused pain when abandoned. But now, being back at home, having more time on my hands and no homework or academic schedule, I am once again a library frequenter!!! This is my second time at the Rancho Cucamonga Archibald library in one week! And it is amazing! At school, I would often go to the library to use the large dictionary, or for a quiet studying sanctum. But it just wasn't the same. The library here is amazing. They have such beautiful organizing. Their rows are so even, their books so broad in genre, so well-kept, so smartly arranged, so many books to choose from! I love it!

This evening my mom and I walked down. From Hermosa to Archibald is only about 3 blocks, not bad at all. It was quite a pleasant walk, very enjoyable. We walked back in the dark, and decided that next time we make this journey, a flash light would be in order! The path was lined by bushes on both sides for a short length of time, and we were quite afraid that there would be a rise in the pavement, and our bare toes would be stubbed on the rough concrete! That is quite painful. Walking along, unsuspecting, minding your own business, when suddenly your toe is smashed against a rise in the sidewalk. Pain starts at your foot and shoots like a screaming banshee out of a cannon up your leg and all the way to the top of your head as you bend at the waist and cry out in pain! Frustration adds to the anger as you question why something so small and seemingly insignificent as a toe can cause such grief, and bring such a breach into your current activity! The top of your toe is skinned, maybe a little blood, and that brings more frustration, now pointed at the concrete slab under your feet. Who put that there! What kind of moron lays concrete uneven like that? Are they purposefully bringing pain on the community? Is the creator of such evil sitting behind some nearby bush, quietly snickering as unnsuspecting passers-by go about their day in a merry manner to have their pleasant life come crashing down as you enter the world of pain and frustration---all from your toe (and of course that stupid side-walk!). But thankfully, both mom and I were saved from so dreadful an experience-although I am sure you have caught on that I am no stranger to this tragedy!

The poem I quoted above is one that I read in a book I checked out last week. It is a collection of poems by my current most beloved poet, Tennyson. I so enjoy his dry wit, thought-provoking topics, and point of view. He can write from so many perspectives. Tennyson has one poem called, All Things Must Die, and another called Nothing Shall Die (I believe that is the title). The words are very similiar, but speak from different perspectives. One in a positive light, the other speaking from a sadder, more cynical view. He has the ability to write from many different sides, can understand the soul of other people that have beliefs and views completely opposite of his own and make his reader understand the character or view as well. A very talented man. I do so enjoy reading his classic works! But I am also reading Edgar Allen Poe, Robert Burns, Robert Frost, William Shakespeare, John Donne, and Langston Hughes. And that is just the poetry. I am also reading the Old Testament, and a teaching book called Ready or Not by Sara Carlson (which I am so highly recommending for single young ladies of any age. This book is getting me through some hard times!). I have such a huge to-read list, yet I continue to borrow books that are not on my list. But I will get to them all eventually. It will just be a slow crawl! But one that I enjoy! I love reading! My ultimate favorite past-time!

I am really wishing I were at school, but things here are great. I really enjoy the church. My class on Friday nights is amazingly great. I love teaching RU Kidz. The college/career group is unbelievably stellar! Beyond compare! I am making some great friends in there, and really enjoy the activities that we do, hanging out every Sunday night, and just fellowshipping with them before and after (not during ;) ) services.

But thankfully I am also able to talk some to my friends at school. Jesse and I have been able to chat a few times this weekend, which always puts a smile on my face, and I have even heard from Kayla pretty frequently, and that is the bees knees! And I have been able to keep in touch with Stephanie, who is more sister than friend we're so close, and that is a blessing! But in a way the internet is cool. Via facebook I am getting to know a ton of people, some that I have never even met in person, or at least we were never close! I am making more friends, it is fun to branch out. Get me out of my comfort zone.

I did some job-searching today. Kohls is supposed to start interviewing next week, so today I brought by my resume and filled out an application. That would be a great job! I went back to Corky's they are frustrating me. I believe that hostessing position is lost to me....actually, I am lost to them! Ha! I went to Montclair Plaza on Friday and handed my resume out to 4 people, 2 of which actually used the rarely heard term "We're Hiring", and one of which would be hiring soon and was so excited about my resume, she said she would pass it up to her general manager pronto! So I am excited and encouraged about what the Lord is going to do. I just know He is going to provide me with a job soon! All in His time......I really pray His time is now! But I am trusting Him. We had a great Sunday school lesson taught just to us girls by Miriam from Matt. 6:22-28 (?) about not worrying! It was a blessing, and a needed reminder and challenge. I need to stop worrying and give it all to God! Truer words were never spoken! Well, maybe not never, but rarely, at least! I think that is it for now. But I do enjoy blogging when I work up the motivation to spend this much time on one activity at once, so I believe I will make it a priority to do it more often.

Love, peace and chicken grease to all!

P.S. Last Saturday, I found out that my favorite flower, being a yellow carnation, means disdain. Obviously, my ears did not enjoy receiving that news. Well, at least Daisies, my second favorite, mean Innocence. And that is pleasant. But I am still disappointed at such an unhappy definition for the former.

Walls

People, friends, family, acquaintances,
Those who stay, those who go,
Help to make or break the circumstances.

Everybody needs somebody,
That fact is true for all.
And yet we hide and live behind
Our impenetrable walls!

I do it, too. We all do.
And that's what makes it worse!
A relationship isn't a play you can
Perfect or Rehearse!

You're dealing with people
That have feelings just like you.
Don't you think it hurts when
Your wall won't let them through?

Maybe you're like me.
You've spent years building up
That Wall of Security.

Your trust brought you grief.
Sick of giving people power
To make you grieve,
To make you weak!

Tired of betrayal,
That abuse of your trust,
Wiped your tears so dry,
Emotions died, becoming dust.

So we walk around like zombies,
A real friendship has no chance.
That wall won't allow for more
Than a glance.

And yet sorrow still comes,
Just not from an outside source.
The only one who makes you cry
Is YOU
And your chosen course.

We're supposed to have companions,
To have a trusted friend.
To cry, laugh and joke!
Help you make it to the end.

And yea, you might get hurt,
But guess what--LIFE'S TOUGH!!
But I can promise you,
the Lonely Path
Is the life that is more rough.

So break down the wall
That ties and binds!
You're not free, you're trapped!
As in your freedom you will find.

Life is a Risk, and a Chance,
A Step of Faith.
So learn how to cope!
It's a step you need to take!

By: Sarahjane Elizabeth Pardon

Cotton-Headed-Ninny-Muggins!!!

Yesterday Mom and I drove to school to get my stuff from my dorm. It was really sad. I didn't cry, but I did think about it. Mom cried, but I didn't feel like it. So I sucked it up, and moved on. Didn't take too long to pack up all my stuff. I wrote notes for my roommates on everything I knew wouldn't matter. You know, "I love you", "Don't forget me", "Jane loves you and is praying for you", and such and so forth. I felt so homesick. I remember there was a time while at school that I did not feel at home there at all. I had been hanging out with that may not be bad to some, but they pretty much didn't care at all for anything important, enjoyed breaking minor laws, and one was even an ex-druggy/dealer, so, not really the type of people that you should label as your "inner circle". I realized this, and stopped hanging out with these people. However, I really didn't know anyone else. We were almost a month into school, and I didn't have any other friends! So, I hung out with three awesome people-me, myself, and I! As pitiful as that may sound to some, it worked...for a while! But as time wore on, my self-fulfillment wore off, and I really needed someone! Being so far away from my family, as exciting of course as that was, I really needed someone there to spend time with and be close to. That's when I met Kayla Stone. She and I worked together, and we totally clicked. Went together like 2 peas in a pod, or maybe PB&J, except there were only two of us. But maybe salt and pepper, or sugar and spice-everything nice! We bonded quickly and had a great time terrorizing the computer lab with our quick wit! A couple weeks after that (which felt like an eternity), we started hanging out with a long-time friend of Kayla, Jesse Jones, and his roommate Matt Hodge. I must confess, at the start, I thought Jesse was, well, slightly off his rocker, and I must also be honest and admit that I thought Matt was bossy and annoying. However, for some reason, my desperation for friends, kept me hanging out with them, and very quickly, the above mentioned gentlemen became good friends, and soon we were an un-stoppable foursome! Again, we bonded quickly. Sometimes you just find those people you click with, and these three people have been added to my small list of best friends! I learned that a home is not about where you live, or even what you have there, it's about being with people you care about. I did not feel at home at school until I felt at home with the people there. The people I was close to made it home for me. So as I am sure you cannot imagine, making the trip to school yesterday, going to the dean's office, seeing Mrs. Weaver, Bro. and Mrs. Blehm, then heading across the eerliy empty campus, and going into my empty dorm and gathering up my stuff, it was really hard! Overwhelmingly so. But I have been coping with these emotions for quite a while now, and as they are nothing new, I have already cried my tears. So, I was strong and did not cry, but my mom did a little bit!

So, with all my stuff, and our already confined space, we were quite out of room.
So we spent the middle of the afternoon organizing and rearranging the bedroom and so on. So, for tomorrow, all we have to do is unload my suitcases. All of my odds and ends, and I have a lot, are put away, so now it's mostly just clothes, which we made mucho room for this afternoon! Kudos to us! Mostly mom, though. As my attention span was suffering today, I fear that I was not as much help as I should have been. But I know I will be better tomorrow!

Then I went on errands with mom and grandma. Lemme tell ya, though. Having three generations of opinionated, sassy Irish women out together is great, but throw in some testy circumstances, and things can get a little bizarre. Or just flat out insane. Whatever floats your boat. While they were grocery shopping (which would be a very boring task if not for the adorable baggers employed at our grocery store!), I hit all the businesses and asked the dreaded question, "Are you hiring?". I have filled out so many applications, mostly online. But yesterday and today I actually went out and asked people in person. I gotta say, THIS IS BAD for my self esteem! I feel like a loser! Or, as Elf so eloquently says it, a "Cotton-Headed-Ninny'Muggins"! Yep, that pretty much labels it spot on! Walking into a store and asking that dreaded question time and time again, and getting turned down time and time again, is simply not good for morale! In fact, I would definitely call it a negative influence. Oh yes, I would go that far! Believe it or not! But, I finally talked to one little diner that is hiring a hostess, so I filled out an application and tomorrow I will bring by my impressive (as I like to think) resume, and talk to the manager. I pray this is it. I simply do not understand how one can survive as a cotton headed ninny muggins for a long amount of time! Seems purty darn difficult to me! And I am new at this!

So, that was my day. 24 and American Idol have been keeping me busy at night. Thank goodness for those shows. I read so much, that sometimes it is so enjoyable to turn my brain off in front of some pointless entertainment. I quite enjoy it occasinally. A pleasant past-time when not enjoyed too frequently!

I am very excited for church tomorrow. Sad though, Jaclyn is gone. But I still have friends here. Sure I do! MAN ALIVE! I really miss my school! Drat! WHY? Ugh! Such frustration!
But I do love church. And being used to chapel everyday, I miss having church so often. Then Friday night I have my first full night of teaching RU Kids, and am super thrilled for that! I already love that ministry, and am so thankful for the great opportunity! Then Sat is soul-winning, and Sunday I go bar-hopping with the girls. haha! Just kidding, making sure you weren't falling asleep! But bear with me, I am falling asleep myself! I need to go to bed! So goodnight! I wrote a poem today. I will probably post it tomorrow. Depends on if I'm in the sharing mood or not.

The Wounds of a Friend

You know what's really sad? Getting hurt. But more than getting hurt, getting hurt by a friend. I guess it makes sense, those who are closest to us have the ability, the power to hurt us more. Those trusted few, the people who catch a glimpse of who you really are. You know, the ones you trust with your life. The whole you laugh, I laugh, you cry, I cry with you and wipe your tears thing. All that jazzy stuff. It makes sense, that those are the ones who could hurt us the most, after all, friends like that become part of you, so it seems. It's just sad is all. I wish our friends and our enemies could stay in two separate groups. Instead, some in the friend group hurt us more than those in the enemy group. If it came from an expected source, it may hurt, but it's a blow from an outsider. But when it's from a friend, it's different. Since they are closer, they injure so much more. It's not just a distant attack, it's a deep stab in the back. Whether done intentionally or not, those are the wounds that hurt. The wounds that do more than sting and scab, these are the wounds that bleed and bleed, and never completely heal. And at the slightest pressure, could easily burst open, bleeding and hurting again. The wound that leaves scars. Those are the wounds of a friend.

I Love Smoothies!!!

I have actually gotten out of the house a lot these past two days! It has been pretty awesome! With not having a job-still, much to my frustration, but certainly not from lack of trying!-I don't seem to get out much. I mean, I take my dogs out for walks, and I spend time outside, I prefer sunlight to dim lamp light, you know what I'm saying?! ;) Even so, a girl has to get out more often than that, at least this girl does! I die with nothing to do and no where to go. I have even started creating homework for myself! Haha! Nothing major, but I have all these books that I am reading, or want to read, so I have created a list, and I have my own deadlines, book studies to write, and so on. It helps keep my mind busy!
Yesterday, I got out of the house though! My dad had to go run errands, so I went with him. We left in the morning, and I thought we would be gone for an hour, maybe a little more, but we were out until 2:30! So, I hurried and got home and left right away to go to the school to bring Robby to basketball practice! While he did that, I played piano and chatted with some girls in the youth group, who are really cool and so funny! And, I am officially accepted by the girls there now, because after I left to drop my dad off at work (although I had to drive back to the campus to pick Robb up), but while I was gone, they played MASH, and they did one for me. So Robb delivered a paper to me from the girls that told me who I would marry, that we'd have 9 kids, live in a mansion, have a limo, and my occupation would be a bum! haha! But, that means I have been welcomed into their little hearts! YES!!! Once you are accepted by the youth group, you are totally in! ;) At least, the teens like to think so! :)

I got out today also! Again, accompanying errands. This time, I went with Grandma. We had to go to a coffee shop in Chino to pick up her latte pot thingy-majigger, which is about a 20 minute drive. Then we stopped for lunch at Panera, which was heavenly, I must say!!! We went to target, and to Henry's, and It's a Grind, at which I got a Berry and Green Tea Smoothy, and it was delicous!!! Seriously, YUMMO!!!! So, that was my exciting day. Pretty much rocked my socks.

OK, so, random subject change, but I am very, very upset with our culture today. Honestly! I don't mean to sound like an old-timer, but WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO???? OK, so first off, I hear that a man kidnaps and murders his 2 year old son, because he didn't want to pay child-support. He said that if forced to pay child-support, he would either kill his wife or his son. So the wretch murders his little boy. What heart break! How sick!
Second, the news comes that 2 homosexual "partners" adopt a little girl. I mean, they can't have children so of course they adopt, right? I mean, if I gave my child up for adoption, I would definately want her to be taken care of by two grown men, you with me? NO! Of course not! Uno, there is a very good reason why the two men cannot have children together! Honestly, we shouldn't even need to make that point! Ugh! Number two, how perverted does that sound, in today's world, we allow a male couple to bring an innocent, helpless little girl into their home! What is wrong here? The whole situation makes my stomach churn!!! AAAHHH!
Then today, my dad calls me over to check out this video on Fox news. In Fort Lauderdale, there are of course rally's and protests, and this video is highlighting a muslim rally on the street. Just right there in the open, they are yelling and screaming and waving signs in protest of Israel. They are cursing at the Jews, while they are of course, in our country, adorned in Muslim garb, and they are screaming GO BACK TO THE OVEN!!! I mean, what??? WHAT??? You know, I really have no problem with the Muslim people. I feel no anger or bitterness towards them as a people. I mean, the religion is a cult, but my heart breaks for the people trapped and blinded by it. Just like any other cult. Sure, it was Muslims, and middle-easterners that have terrorized our country, but that was not every Muslim. We can't put the evil of few on every person from that country or religion. So, my issue is not with the religion, or the people. My anger comes in when they stand on the streets of our country and scream murderous, and hateful things to another people. If you hate our country, why are you here? If you are going to stand on our streets and curse Americans, then leave! The great thing about America, is that it's the melting pot! This is a country where people from all over the world can come and start over! We have enough hateful people and racists here as it is already, don't bring your new hates and your new nasty protests and slanders to us! We don't need that! And why was this allowed to continue? HUH? I want to know why they were not all arrested for a hate crime! "Go back to the oven!" What? That is terrible! To hear that, breaks my heart! Brings tears to my eyes! How could someone ever bring themself to say something like that? What strong level of hate must you feel to say that? I can't even comprehend. So if you want to come to our country, great! Start over! And I don't even think you have to become an American clone. Bring your culture! It's what makes America so unique and amazing! But one thing you must leave behind is your hate and your cruelty! We don't need that nor do we want that! And why is our governement so fearful of offending others? So what, because they are Muslim, we can't arrest them? What, it's not a hate crime if it's against Jews, or Christians, or Conservatists, right? But God forbid one of those groups say something against the different groups, right? No! People are people. Hate is hate. Furthermore, a hate crime is a hate crime no matter who it's pointed at or who committed it! It sickens me! It absolutely sickens me! Will we ever be able to over come our hate for those that are different?

Tournament of Roses, Why Not Just SImply:Rose Parade?

Happy New Year! I can't believe it is actually 2009. I say that every year, but it's true each time I say it! When I looked ahead, I imagined my life to be a certain way, and it is so different than what I had imagined. My family lives in California, I am not in school, I am not doing any of the things I wanted to be doing at this point in my life. And yet, I am trusting God more than I ever have. I just had this conversation with a friend this afternoon (no, not an imaginary friend like the ones who read my blog, someone who talks all his own). If I am living my plan, then I am going to miss God's will for my life, so instead of allowing me to miss His will, His plan for me, God has totally knocked me off my feet, sent me flying off in a new direction, disarming me of my plans and my securities. You're right, not exactly fun. But still great! I am learning so much right now, about God, about myself, and life in general. I am really growing up in this time. Let's hope it sticks! As I come into 2009, I hope that God shows me what His will for me is soon, and that He gives me the strength to follow it. I am going to work more at surrendering to Him, and trusting Him as He leads. I hope He gives me wisdom and extra grace, because I really need it!!! So, in celebration of the New Year, I went to the Rose Parade this morning. It was very exciting! My parents and I went when I was about 4, which was 14 years ago, and I hope I don't need to express that I do not remember it at all. They did the whole insane camp out on the cold sidewalk bit, and were so cold and miserable they vowed never to go again. But, I have no recollection of what for them was a terrible, and forever life-scarring experience, so I decided to go today! Since I went and decorated floats with my (non-imaginary) friends on Monday, some of us went together today. It was fun! I got up at quarter to 6 on a holiday, and I got ready in the dark, and savagely kicked both of my dogs as I ran into them and almost flew over the top of their formerly sleeping bodies. They jumped awake, and gave me a mournful look, wondering why I was mad, and emotionally injured that I would kick them. So, I had to stop to pet and comfort my pitiful pooches! :) I left my house at 6:30 and met Jenny, Jackie, and Melinda at 7. We got to the parade at 7:30, and found parking and seats, and then walked around for a while. That was interesting. People are weird, and all of the strange people seem to be magically drawn to big, public, free-of-charge events such as the Tournament of Roses. After that, we just went back and sat down. I read, Jenny talked, and Jackie fell asleep. At this point, some church people, the Starman's had joined us. They have three kids, and then Sarah Archer was with them as well. Finally, after what seemed like years and years and years and so on, the first float made its way slowly to us! The floats kept coming and they were all very grand! It was so cool to see them! Especially after being part of it, and seeing how they are made, and knowing the insane amount of work that goes into them, I was more impressed with the floats! The crowds were insane, the party favors obnoxious, the weather went from very cold to very hot (which caused wardrobe malfunction), and it was long and eventually boring, and I could point out other idiosyncrasies of the event, but the bottom line is: IT WAS FUN!!! I had a really great time! I mean, I don't think I would have enjoyed it much by myself, but going and being with my friends was really fun!