Who Says Big Girls Don't Cry??? :'(

Right now I am again house-sitting/pet-watching for the Harvey's. This time my younger brother, Robb, is with me and we are having a pretty good time. The animals are, well, interesting as usual and I always seem to come away with some entertaining if not odd story! But that is a post for another time, which I promise will be coming! For now, I have something else on my mind!

Today, I had to go to the doctor's office! Don't worry, nothing serious, just a physical for college. Not everyone knows this, so for those of you who don't, going to the dr.'s is a very big deal for me! Not in a good way. The doctor's office and the hospital cause me overwhelming amounts of stress. Stress that can be mostly attributed to my paralyzing, panic-inducing fear of needles! Now don't get me wrong, it's not the pain. I am not afraid it's going to hurt, because I've had shots and I know that it doesn't hurt. It's this psychological fear that I cannot get over! I know it's unnecessary, immature, and even ridiculous, but I cannot get over it. I harbor real fear for very few things, and those other things I am able to challenge myself and confront them, temporarily overcoming those fears that I view as silly. But this fear, I cannot get over it. I cannot move past, I cannot even function! But for this physical I had today, I was opting out of vaccinations-I don't like the idea of infecting myself to try and teach my body how to fight a disease. Sorry, but that doesn't sound smart to me. But to each his own! I don't care whether you are a firm believer in them, opinion-less, or like me. That's just my personal belief. But because of that belief, I knew I had nothing to worry about at the doctors. I didn't have to get a shot and even though I would be uncomfortable, I would be fine! I was doing so good. I was relaxed and even making small talk with the doctor!

But then the nurse came in and said started asking me questions. She asked if I had been out of the country in the last 5 years. The answer was yes, I went to Mexico on a missions trip last year. Then she said that's fine, I would just need a TB test. Fine by me!....I had no idea how they tested for TB. So my mom, there for moral support, waited in the room while I was escorted into another patient room to have my hearing tested. After which, she opened a fridge and pulled out some supplies, then grabbed a syringe. I asked what that was for and she said the TB test. "Wait," I said, "that has a needle?" And she said yes, but all they had to do was place it in the surface of the skin and put in a little solution. Wow, my heart started racing, my hands were trembling and my knees shaking! My head was spinning and my thoughts going 100 mph! What am I going to do? I, I have to get out of here NOW! So I began, "Actually, you see, I need to..." Then I paused, looked around, found the door and ran out of the room. I ran into the hallway and tried to find the room my mom was in, but since I am very directionally challenged, I had no idea where I had come from, got lost, and had to be led back by a nice male nurse who talked to himself. Once I got in the room I was very panicked and my mom, who had heard me in the hallway, was looking concerned, but I could tell she wasn't too surprised and was ready to talk me out of running away. "We have to go right now! Hurry and get the stuff, we're leaving!" I said. The nurse came in and explained the situation, saying that it was the school's rule, not theirs, and if I did not get the TB test..... I could not go to college. Both Mom and Nurse looked at me, expecting that to settle the matter. Instead, my panicked self said "Oh, that's too bad. I just can't go to that school! I'll just find a different college to go to!". But, Mom is used to dealing with my drama, and she knows how terrified I am and how this fear takes me over like nothing else. So she tried to talk me out of it and got me to sit down because I was quickly growing very pale. The nurse then tried to talk me into laying down so I wouldn't pass out and I'd be more relaxed. I don't know why I did it, is was as if I was in a haze and I couldn't help but do as they said. I was terrified out of my mind and I wanted to run, but deep down I knew that was stupid and I knew I had to be try and act like a big girl and let the nurse do her job. So, I did as they said and laid down and let the nurse swab some alcohol on my arm. Pretty ridiculous, but I couldn't help crying. My mom held my hand and I cried like a really big baby, but I was so scared! I felt the needle, it hardly pierced me! It didn't hurt, but I knew going into it that it wouldn't. That wasn't the issue.

After it was done Mom, Nurse, and Nurse #2, who had come in just in case they needed help holding me down or catching me should I faint, all told me I was very brave, but I just laid there and cried like a little kid for a while. haha, then it got worse! Nurse #2 came in with another box of needles. This time I needed checking for anaemia. This one was on the finger tip and it actually hurt. But this time I didn't fight it. I sat up and let her do it. Then they made me lie down and relax a bit. I talked to the doctor about some other health concerns, got a paper that I think of as a permission slip to go and get an x-ray on my neck next week, then we started to leave. Pretty traumatic. But, I think this is the best I've ever done at the doctors! I made it out of the building without passing out! Although it was very close for a second. So this may seem like a really bad appointment to you, (it was pretty awful for me, too!) but considering my track record, this was very impressive! Maybe next time I'll be even better! Wait, next time? Ugh, there will have to be a next time, won't there? My mom has demanded that I do not allow my fear of needles to keep me from giving her grandchildren! haha! She is so sympathetic! :) Just kidding, my mom is great! If she hadn't been there, I would've run out of the office like a crazy person and then my parents would've had to drag me back a second time! That's why I needed to bring her with me! So yes, I am amost 19 years old and I still have to have my mommy go to the doctor's with me, hold my hand, and dry my tears! But you know what the worst part is? I didn't even get a sticker for being so brave!

Comfort and Contentment

There are some pleasures in life that I group in a specific category. I guess the theme could be comfort and contentment loves! One pleasure in there, a nice cup of hot tea. Ah, the Irish influence in our family has made all of us women very avid tea drinkers. In colder weather, I will have many cups of tea a day. Not iced tea. Piping hot tea with sugar and milk. Mmm, just wonderful! Another thing, rainy days. Maybe to some, rain is not a comfort, but to me it is. Normally, I hate any sort of weather besides hot and sunny. But occasionally, if I have nowhere to go, I really enjoy a rainy day! If I'm not playing in the rain, I like to sit on my deck under the canopy and read a book and even write some poetry. The rain always inspires me so much. Of course, that is when I have quite a few cups of hot tea, further increasing my comfort and contentment! Another comfort love, the color gray. Yes, maybe that one sounds odd, too. But for some reason I have always associated gray with comfort. It's a cozy color to me. On rainy days, I like to put on my cozy, baggy gray sweatshirt and sip a cup of tea. Wow, seems like my picture of comfort is almost complete here, but it is missing a very key element! We have hot tea, rain, gray, and next, a book! Of course comfort and contentment cannot be had without a good book! And my favorite kind of book is an aged book! I hope you all know what I'm talking about, if not you have been tragically deprived, my friends! A book with a hard cover, and worn, frayed binding. Old, classic writing on the cover that is fading with the years. The pages are slightly frayed on the edges, and have for some time now been yellowed with age. Books like that have a certain feel as you crack open the cover. The pages feel a certain way as you turn them. And the smell! I confess, I am a book-sniffer, and proud of it! I unashamedly walk through a book-store or library with my nose in an open book, inhaling deeply and wearing a face of sheer contentment! I stopped noticing the looks a long time ago! A book like that is a treasure! My mom had a few books like that when I was growing up. I read a few of them. The Sun Also Rises, Jane Eyre, Root Out Of Dry Ground, and others. As I read some of those books at a young age, they went slightly over my head. But that was no matter to me because reading a book like that was utter joy! I love old books! My mom has books like that, my grandmother does, but I have none of my own. And for quite some time now I have been wanting to start building my library of classic literature and those book treasures. Today, I officially began my aged book library!

My library has a little used book store. I have visited there a couple times before, but did not find anything I liked. But today, their "Aged Books" section was stocked!! YAY! I got 3 beautiful books! The Feather Merchants by Max Shulman, Woollcott's Second Reader, and a 1964 edition of Roget's Thesaurus in Dictionary Form, first copyrighted in '31. And the best part...I only spent $1. 75!!!! I found such amazing treasures, and it didn't even cost me $2! I felt like I was robbing the two, little old ladies running the store, but I was not tackled by a security guard on my way out, and God hasn't struck me dead for stealing from old ladies, so I think I'm okay. But wow, I feel like I've hit the jackpot here, folks! I absolutely adore these books! You have no idea how much having these three books has made my day! No, my week! I am in love! I keep rubbing the covers and opening the pages to smell that classic, old book smell! Mmmm! Yay! I am in book heaven right now! And I'm sure you are all a tad bit creeped out, but you know what, I have my books, and I don't care!!!! :)

Once Upon A Hair Dye

I realize that over the past week, most of you have seen me a few times. And each of those times, I was sporting a different hair color. I have not been able to escape raised eyebrows, open jaws, laughter, and questions such as "Jane, are you hiding from someone?", "WOW! What'd you do to your hair?", "Wait, didn't you have black hair last time I saw you?", and my favorite: "Hi! Are you new to the choir? I don't think I've seen you before." Furthermore, I was almost marked "Absent" in Sunday School because Charlene didn't recognize me while taking roll. Yes, in a week's time I have gone from red to brown, from brown to blue/black, from blue/black to dark brown/black, and from dark brown/black to, well, orange/yellow. But no, I am not hiding from anyone. And no, I am not new to the choir, or Sunday school. Additionally, I am not going through a rebellion, I am not "hiding from myself" as Keiffer put it, nor am I looking for attention. My intentions have been as innocent as you can expect from a wacky 19 year old girl. Allow me to tell you a little story for your enlightenment, and hopefully your entertainment.

Once upon a time there was a young woman named Jane of the Golden State. Jane loved living in the Golden State. She loved her family, her friends, and her church, as well as all the fantastic people there. Jane was artistic, a regular free-spirit, if you can label a free-spirit as "regular". She was very, well, different, as she had been recently called. Many had described Jane as wacky, zany, out-there, eclectic, insane, eccentric, stellar...well, that may be beside the point, but stellar she most assuredly was! :) In fact, Jane was all of those adjectives listed above. In fact, many people may be slightly frightened if they could see how wacky and crazy she was! She embraced that, and enjoyed opportunities to express her "creative side", as she put it. Jane painted and wrote poetry and songs and enjoyed that as a creative outlet. But then moved on to expressing herself with her wardrobe, which she had loads of fun with. Eventually, she moved on to her hair. Not anything so wild as blue or green hair, which she often thought of with a chuckle. Simply blond highlights, or dying it to a redish brown. Then one day, Jane and a friend Samantha helped Jay (check out his blog), youth director and BBQ extraordinaire, with a youth activity, wandering around under the alias' of "The Window Shoppers". During said activity, Jane and Sam wore disguises with black wigs. The two girls decided that black was a good hair color on Jane, so the next day, Jane decided to dye her hair black. However, she did not think about tones and shades. Instead, she grabbed the first black she saw, which happened to be a most unflattering and unnatural Blue/Black. Jane's parents did not care for, okay, they hated the new hair color! Jane pretty much felt the same way, but as her hair was now a deeply saturated black and there was nothing she could presently do about it, she tried to keep an optimistic attitude. Her parents demanded she rid herself of the dreadful shade, so they set an appointment with her hairstylist, Myrna, for the next day. Jane thought the situation over very carefully. Her parents, Dad actually, had been suggesting for quite some time that she move on to a lighter color such as blond. She now took that into consideration. And if she could not have extreme dark hair, she decided it could be fun to have extreme light hair. Yes, she made the choice to go platinum. She expressed such to Myrna. However, Myrna also asked what Jane wanted when she had first dyed her hair black. The answer being that Jane wanted the black hair, but had imagined something softer and more natural looking. Myrna tragically got the past desire switched with the present, and after stripping all of the color from Jane's hair, dyed it about 2 shades lighter than the black they'd just finished ridding her of. Needless to say, the expectant parents and girl were quite disappointed and bewildered. After some questioning, they all realized the miscommunication. So Myrna, being the great hair-dresser she is, said that Jane could come back in a few days and redo the process at no extra charge. So come back she did. Jane arrived at the hair salon at 11 o'clock and wearily exited at 3:40 in the afternoon. 2 hours of stripping the color, the rest of the time spent dyeing and rinsing. When the color was finally rinsed from her hair, Myrna began to blow-dry it. As the hair dried, the color started to become more clear. Oh my! Jane's face sank as instead of seeing the beautiful platinum blond she had envisioned, she saw an orange top running into yellow, with the ends of her hair becoming a sandy color. So, she went home and styled it, wishing that she could hide until the color became , well, anything besides orange. But she remembered she had RU that night. Oh well. She figured God was just keeping her humble. So she put on her brave face and marched out the door, orange hair and all...secretly wanting to crawl under a rug as soon as she saw the first puzzled face. She spent the next day at a lake in the mountains with her family and was out on the boat all day. God mercifully toned the orange down quite a bit. Days after, it continued to have an odd tone, but Jane was learning to accept, if still not like, the new hair, and was very grateful that after all the trauma, she still had hair to hate! Jane also found solace in the fact that in a few days, after giving her hair a week of rest as advised, she would try lightening her hair up to a more natural blond, and then leave it alone. So yes, her family and friends would soon see her hair in another shade, but she vowed that it would not be a shocking one, but one that would hopefully be less offensive.

Check back, or just look for Jane at church, to see what happens with her hair, and what crazy thing she'll do next! =D

Ant Hill Tunnel

Yesterday I was talking to Jenna, and I realized I have not blogged in a really really long time, so I decided to write a quick blog since I am home sick and have nothing better to do! =D No, I just wanted to write something really quick to bring me back into the blogging world which I have been so out of for quite some time now. I feel so out of touch with everyone because I have not even read another blog for about a month!
On Monday I had my first day of monitoring for Mrs. Wilson's classroom, 5th and 6th grade. It was so much fun! I am going to start doing it every Monday! I had such a good time with those kids and it was cool to be in the classroom! I really like the way the LBA classrooms run because of the ACE curriculum. Working with the kids one-on-one really brought me back to my days of being a tutor, which I realized I greatly miss! It is slightly odd to be addressed as Miss Pardon!
Tuesday I went on the field trip to Kids Space with the elementary school. Now that was fun!!! I really enjoyed it! I was the leader for Jenna, Skylynn (spelling?), and Eileen. We ran all over that place! At first Sky was pretty scared in the rain drop tower, and forget getting her into the ant hill tunnel! But she held my hand and braved her fears and got over it! We climbed up the 41 ft. rain drop tower singing "Rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens....." at the top of our lungs, and after going up and then climbing back down, she decided these things weren't all that scary after all and by the time the day was through, she was dragging the three of us through the towers a second time and climbing through the dark and little ant hill tunnel again and again to help Cheyenne look for her lost money! I couldn't believe this little girl had been terrified of all of these exhibits at the beginning of the day, to now be leading the way through the same things! But, I guess that is what the fear of the unknown does for us!
Things are always so much scarier when we are looking ahead into a dark tunnel! We are just sure there is going to be something scary in there to grab us or eat us alive, or we will get lost in the dark and be trapped in there forever, never making it through! But then we brave our fear and climb into the little hole and keep going forward to come out in the bright and happy daylight on the second floor and be congratulated by all our friends! Just now as I am writing this, I am realizing that I do the same thing in my life! Right now, my future is really unsure! I am not at all sure even what state I am going to be in next month! And college? I don't even know if I will be there this fall! I have no idea what God is doing and I feel like I am looking into my life as an unsure, dark tunnel! It's scary! I don't know what's in there! What if I don't make it through? What if I get lost? But deep down I know that when I trust God and head into the "tunnel", He will guide me and get me safely through, and then I will come out on the other side safely, just like He promises, and just like I did in the scary ant hill tunnel yesterday! But I can't let this fear of the unknown paralyze me and keep me from trusting God and moving forward!